I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
