im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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