Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
