I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
