I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
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Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
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I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
80% sure the drag queens carried her home