if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.