I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
