Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
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he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
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Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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