I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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