So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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