my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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