if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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