i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
