so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
