I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
