I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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