You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
