he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
