i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
