Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
