Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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