im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
