Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
