Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
