I wish my penis had an off switch
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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