I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
