walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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