I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
