so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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