One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
