I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Randomize
