You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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