I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
