one two three fourrrrnication!
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
