So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
