Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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