Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Randomize
