I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
