I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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