Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
