4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
