Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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