How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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