I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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