boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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