Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
