its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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