omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
