I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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