just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
