I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
