The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
