im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I need a burrito and a hug.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
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