so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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