dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
