he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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