my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
