So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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