apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
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I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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