just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Randomize
