I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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