Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
