You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
